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I was challenged today (and I love a challenge) by my friend and pastor, Stephen Collins – to write an article to ‘piggyback’ on my article from yesterday, ‘How to Find and keep a Man’. This time – this one is for all you men out there – wanting to learn some basic ‘secrets’ about women.
Greg and I have been reading the book (our 10th time or so) “The Truth Will Set You Free – But First It Will Make You Miserable” by the late Jaime Buckingham. In one chapter he talks about the subject of virility of men – and baldness in particular. His writing is humorous and insightful – hearing what men really think about their manliness – how loss of hair affects their feeling of youth and purpose, and dealing with insecurity – either correctly brought on by others – or self-imposed.
I stopped Greg in the middle of the chapter – and said, “Why are men so hung up on losing their hair? – Some of the best looking men – in my opinion have no hair at all! Patrick Stewart of ‘Star Trek Next Generation‘, Chris Daughtry, of the band, ‘Daughtry’ – Andre Agassi, Vin Diesel, Billy Zane, Bruce Willis, Sean Connery – to name just a few. These men exude confidence – and that has NOTHING to do with whether they have hair or not. And no woman would say they are NOT sexy.
Anyway – I digress. Back to the subject at hand. If you are a man – how do you understand, and more importantly win a woman and keep her?
Women aren’t so complicated. I think there has been much dialogue on this topic over the years. I think they are more emotional than men are for sure – but basically there are some basic needs and a smart man knows how to meet them. And a smart man – has just learned to listen more and learn from others who get it wrong.
What should you be looking for? If you want a long-term relationship – here are some things to watch out for.
1. A woman worth having is one that can adapt to change. I say this because there are many changes throughout life and marriage. This is the woman who can love you past your enlarging mid-section and loss of hair. The woman who thinks you get better looking as you age. The one who will not get squeamish at the first sign of change, both physically or emotionally.
2. Make sure she has a great sense of humor. You’re going to find that this one quality may save your marriage some day. Can she laugh at herself? Take a joke? Not take herself or you too seriously? Then you may have a winner here. So many women start out with a sense of humor – but quickly lose it when life becomes serious. And nothing can make you lose it faster than having children, family issues, financial stresses, external relationships and aging. Some woman lose it and never get it back again. The ability to laugh is HUGE. If she is great fun to be around and can see humor in anything – you may have a winner. Don’t give her a reason NOT to laugh. Give her permission to see the ‘lighter’ side of life.
3. Beauty is fleeting – don’t choose her because she’s ‘hot’. Now I KNOW I’m treading on very thin ice here – so I will just say that the curvy blond that you fall in love with – just may put on a few (okay – maybe more) pounds after having children and may NEVER look like she once did when you first met her. Now for some of you men – this is a real problem. I’ve even seen it in some members of my family – the man will INSIST that the woman always be on a diet – or NEVER cut her hair. All in the attempt to keep the woman the way he first saw her and fell in love. News flash: Women always know if you love her just the way she is – or if you have conditions on your love. Even is she pretends she does not. Don’t be one of those men. Love her exactly the way she is. And communicate this clearly with how you treat her. She should always feel like she is the most precious and beautiful woman in the world – to you. If you do not – believe me – she knows.
And when you have found her – the perfect woman – here are some tips on how you can be sure to keep her.
1. Treat her with respect. She is not the housekeeper or the cook – or *gasp* – your property. She is your partner. And although I believe the woman sets the tone for respect in the relationship – (please see my article from yesterday) it is also the man’s responsibility as protector and head of the house to set the tone of respect with the woman he loves. This will do a couple of things. First, if a woman is treated with the proper amount of respect from her husband – she will do ANYTHING for him. And I mean anything. And secondly, you will become the ‘hero’ in her life and you will feel like a better man because of her. You will be able to leap tall buildings with a single bound – all because of giving her the proper respect. If a woman is disrespected by the man who is supposed to (and who has signed up to) love, honor and cherish her, she will quickly withhold love, respect and honor from him. I have seen this happen in too many marriages. You cannot afford to disrespect and dishonor your woman. It will have terrible repercussions on you for years to come. And she will not love you physically the way you want or need her to. Woman are funny that way – they must be emotionally cared for first - before they can give physical love. It is much easier for you men to separate the emotional from the physical. Remember – she is not a man – or one of your guy friends and you cannot treat her disrespectfully (like you do with your friends) and then expect that she will respond to you in a passionate way. Woman’s brains do not work that way. They do not compartmentalize ANYTHING. Everything touches and affects EVERYTHING else. All things must be right and healthy in her world first – before anything else.
2. Listen to her heart. This sounds so silly to most men. Good grief – I married her didn’t I? Why do I have to ‘listen’ to her? She’s so emotional – she just needs to think and be more like a man – then all would be well. This kind of thinking will get you into big trouble. And as I stated in my last article – if you don’t think she’s worth listening to – or find her valuable enough to hear what’s going on in her heart – then someone else (who has learned the emotional secret to women better than you) will be there – willing and able to step in for you. Don’t be stupid. It happens ALL THE TIME.
3. Encourage her hopes and dreams. Any woman worth having and keeping has hopes and dreams – some that she’s afraid to even speak out loud – but they are there. Let her talk about them. Key in on her and let her tell you about them. Don’t interrupt – or worse yet - be too busy for her. Make the time to really listen. Don’t try to ‘fix’ or dictate your own agenda. Most men make the mistake of trying to ‘set her straight’ – or trying to ‘fix the problem’ because men are problem solvers. Women don’t always need a problem solved – they just want the right to be heard. And they need someone to understand them. When you – her husband won’t do this – you are setting yourself up for HUGE problems. Treat her like she is the most valuable thing in the world – and she will return it. That’s a guarantee.
Woman love ‘little things’ done for them or with them in mind. They love getting notes, gifts, flowers – it doesn’t really matter – it’s the thought behind it that really melts us. We are deeply moved by a sensitive man who will move heaven and earth to be with us – and like my pastor and friend, Stephen said to me yesterday – ‘a man will run through a brick wall’ for the right woman who loves him and respects him. So true. And likewise – a woman with the love of a man like that – will do anything for him.
I love it when Greg will call me up when he’s out on a business call – and say, ‘I’m on my way home – are you available to have a coffee break with me?’ OH YES!! I also love dates – either long evenings together – dinner and a movie – or just going somewhere together and taking a walk and talking together.
I know I am probably leaving many things out – but these are the most crucial to keeping a woman. A smart woman knows a good thing when she has it – even if she may sometimes forget. Be that man who reminds her – by treating her like she deserves to be treated. This is the best way to ‘affair proof’ your marriage – when this happens so much today.
I pray God’s richest blessings on your relationships!